This had to be a test

And I'm not sure that I passed.

Today was my third day working as a Transcriber/Production Assistant on an upcoming Discover Channel series on the rebuilding of Ground Zero and the World Trade Center. I figured it would be pretty basic. Me, a computer, some footage and a lot of typing, which for the first 2.5 days was true. Then one of the Producers asked me to do them a favor. Pickup a rental car, pickup up some equipment, meet back at the office to grab some additional stuff, park said rental car.

Cool. No problem. I get out of the office, I get some fresh air. All good.

Not. all. good.

I get to 37th street to the rental place come to find out, since sending me the email with all of the details, the Producer upgraded or van size from Mini to Cargo. Breathe, you've driven 15 passenger vans before. Not in New York City but still.


I get the van, newly cleaned (I can tell by the drops of water still clinging to the side panels - and it hasnt rained. I don't think) and my first indication that something is going to go awry is that the attendant is carefully popping the sideview mirror back into place. How nice of him.


So I get inside, put my bag on the seat next to me, put the key in the ignition and like I learned in driver's Ed, go to check my mirrors... SURPRISE!! Cargo vans have no back window and therefore, no rearview mirror. How the **** am I supposed to deal with this?! I can't see anything behind me!!


Now more than ever I am happy that the sideview mirrors and their mini companions (directly below them and tilted at a different angle to lessen the blindspots) are in place. But the next thing is that I now need to drive this. In traffic, at the beginning of rush hour, in New York City. Oh shit.


Since there was no way I was backing this behemoth vehicle into traffic I was pleased to find that the parking lot had an exit onto 36th street ahead of me. YESSS!!! And the address of the lighting place is on 36th! It must be right around the corner!!!


Well, you're half right. It is on 36th and it is around the corner, but 36th Street is a One Way Street and only leads away from my intended location, so now I have to drive from 9th and 36th to 8th Ave, get back on 37th, pass where I just was, and continue on to 11th so I can double back to 36th and 10th. Turns out that the lane lines are a little, ummm, faded on 11th because when I thought I was in the leftmost lane so that I can turn onto 36th I was nearly run over by an over zealous NYC bus that apparently found a lane further over than my own. I was within inches of a speeding bus. At this point I would italicize my inner thoughts but I would like to keep this blog at a PG level so I will refrain. Just think of what you would scream if you thought you were about to get squashed.

So I find the lighting rental place, no biggie, and I park a few feet up since there is another van directly outside. The guy inside asks where my truck is (first indication it's gonna be a huge amount of stuff) and tells his co-worker to move the company van (the one right outside) so that I can back mine up (2nd indication). Wait, you want me to backup a cargo van without a rearview mirror on a one way street going the wrong way? And oh by the way, I would have to pull into traffic and PARALLEL PARK this gargantuan piece of scrap metal that I'm pretty sure someone kidnapped somebody in!!!


Anyway, did it. Got the stuff and was on my way to Lower Manhattan. Down by the WTC and Wall Street there is still heightened security. Today it was a Police Checkpoint for Commercial Vehicles. This cop vehemently waves me over, perhaps thinking a terrorist clearly would drive this kind of vehicle and if he waved hard enough it would surely discourage them from running him over and blowing past the checkpoint. Then he looked at me and seeing who was driving, he just started laughing. I was dwarfed by this mammoth vehicle, clearly unhappy. My thoughts went back to the explicit portion of my mind and his laughter merely intensified my disdain for the situation. Then I literally had to roll down the window, which was no easy task, and he continued laughing.

He went through the motions of asking where I was headed, asked if I had my driver's license, to which I responded, "Actually no, I make a habit of driving without it, especially through check points". Thank God he was in a good mood. He then and asked what I had in the back. I decided not to push my luck in the sarcasm department so I answered truthfully, instead of with the quippy, possibly irresponsible and immature comment about explosives that I had been pondering since being waved down. When he said with a smile, "You can go now, miss. Have a good evening." I rolled the window back up, smiled.

When I got to the freight entrance of the office everything went pretty smoothly, barring the reversing out of the driveway after loading the rest of the equipment so I could go and park it in a parking structure, more on that later. One of the women who was helping to load the van very graciously offered to help guide the van out into the street keeping an eye on on-coming traffic. However, something tells me she failed to realized the lack of rear window because she stood directly behind the van, waving (I could only tell because every so often one of her hands was caught in one of my mirrors. No casualties but it was close.

Now, we're in the home stretch. All I have to do is park it and be done with it. Boy was I ever wrong. I barely make it under the maximum height requirement bar, I nearly snapped off the antennae and I'm pretty sure I may have tapped two cars in my first failed attempts to park the beast. I even asked if this was a good lot to park in to make sure the van would fit and they assured me it would! It barely made it through the aisles let alone made a smooth 90 degree turn to navigate the lot and actually park it. In the end I found a spot at the end of a row and managed not to damage anything (severely).

When I got back to the office the Producer that sent me on the errand thanked me and then told me that since I had done such a great job and knew where the van was parked that I was now going to be on tomorrow's shoot at Tower 7. Oh and by the way, call time is at 5:45 IN THE MORNING!!!!!!! New Jersey Transit doesn't even function that early, how am I supposed to?!?!

So now, even though it is merely 9pm, I am headed to bed to attempt to catch 7hours of sleep before rising at 4am to drive into Manhattan, so that I may reprise my role as the Crazed Van Driver in "This Can't Actually Be Happening Right Now".


Observation of the day: 
Irony is:
1) A church on Wall Street
2) The Gospel for the day on which all Christians in Christendom don an ashen cross on their head for all to see is "take care not to perform righteous deeds in order that people may see them; otherwise, you will have no recompense from your heavenly Father." Matthew 6